Siskel: Welcome to The Screening Room. This week we’ll be looking at the winners, and near-winners, of last night's Ghoulie Awards. And with me is my old friend and partner, Roger Ebert. Ebert:: That's right, Gene – although one thing puzzles me. Siskel: What's that, Roger? Ebert:: Well, everything else connected to this event has been named with a clever, morbid pun, such as “Boollywood” and “Joan Livers.” Why are we here as ourselves? It's not "Sickle and Screambert" or anything. It's just . Siskel: Well…because we belong here. We're both dead. Ebert:: Dead? I'm not dead! Siskel: Sure you are…aren't you? Ebert:: No! I'm still very much alive. Siskel: Well, that can't be right. Ebert:: But it is. I'm afraid the rumours of my death have been greatly exaggerated. Siskel: *Raises eyebrow* Ebert:: Okay – slightly exaggerated. Siskel: Whatever the reason, I'm just happy to have the chance to work with you again. Ebert:: Now you, on the other hand – you're actually… Siskel: But enough about us. We’ll have all the time in the world to catch up, now that you’re dead. Let’s move on to the Ghoulies. Ebert:: But…I’m not… Siskel: The award for “Creepiest Performance by a Monster in a Leading Role” was presented to Sasquatch for Into the Woods. Now I think the Academy made the right choice here. Sasquatch went far beyond his previous work in such movies as In the Woods, Within the Woods, and The Tiger Woods Story. Normally he does little more than lumber past the camera looking about as frightening as Dick Cheney on a hunting trip – although come to think of it, that’s actually a pretty scary image. However, his performance in Into the Woods shows a new maturity. He has, in fact, learned to “creep,” and I, for one, think he’s done a damned good job. Wouldn’t you agree, Roger? Ebert:: My operations were totally successful. In fact, I’m recovering at the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago. And I just reviewed The Queen the other day. I called it “a spellbinding story of opposed passions” and a “hypnotic tale”… Siskel: That’s great. Really. Another controversial choice was the award for Slowest Attack. As we know, it was presented to The Mummy for his work in Necropolis Night Fever. I’ll be the first to admit he was agonizingly slow in that picture. In fact the DVD edition includes an amusing out-take of him failing to catch the professor who is driving a hybrid car. That’s why in the final production they put Professor Montgomery in a Smart Car – it was the only way to give The Mummy a sporting chance. My problem is that his best work this year went completely unrecognized. I am talking, of course, about his role as the life-sucking dance instructor at a senior citizen’s home in Bubba Two-Step. Anything to add, Roger? Ebert:: I’m planning to be back on TV with Roeper by January. Siskel: I hope that goes really well for you. Now I know you’ll agree with me when I say that the award for Best Vocal Performance was badly mismanaged. It’s not that I don’t like “Souls of the Damned.” They certainly deserve the recognition over and above the rest of the nominees. The problem is, once again the category’s best contender wasn’t even in the running. I don’t think there can be much question that had Frankenstein’s monster been nominated for his amazing rendition of “I Got My Heart in San Francisco,” from Around the World in 80 Slays, he would have lumbered home with the prize. The new vocal chords Frankenstein procured for his protégé are far superior to previous ones, and the monster himself has obviously made them his own. What do you think, Roger? Ebert:: I was just talking to my wife earlier today. I’m supposed to be released soon. How did I even get here? Siskel: Interesting points, Roger. One of last night’s highlights, of course, was seeing The Invisible Man presented with “The Busiest Monster in Boolywood Award.” It’s almost inconceivable how many projects he’s been in this year. Right, Roger? Ebert:: What? The Invisible Man? But The Hollow Man came out a couple of years ago. Siskel: No, Roger. That was Kevin Bacon. I’m talking about the Invisible Man, who, this year alone, has appeared in Lucky Number Slevin, Inside Man, Poseidon, Akeelah and the Bee, and Final Destination 3. just to name a few. Ebert:: What are you talking about? I watched all those movies and I didn’t see the Invisible Man in any of them! Siskel: Exactly. He’s the consummate professional. Ebert:: I really don’t think I’m supposed to be here. Siskel: We all feel that way sometimes. To end this portion of our program I’ve prepared a special clip honouring all those monsters who passed away during the last year. Swamp Thing: Yet another casualty of our disappearing wetlands. Boogeyman: Locked in the closet of a building demolished by explosives. Cerberus: Died of a rotavirus infection caught by drinking out of a toilet bowl. Jersey Devil: Killed in a dispute with Tony Soprano. Mothman: Fatally attracted to the Burning Man Festival. Spring Heel Jack: Died of a broken neck after switching to inline skates. Siskel: We’ll miss them all. Ebert:: Please at least tell me there was an award for The Most Horrible Movie in History and that it was given to The Brown Bunny. Siskel: Well, yes, there was such an award. But it went to Waterworld. Ebert:: Ah. Well. Can’t argue there. Siskel: And that’s it for us. The Screening Room is closed. See you next week.