----- Attempt 1
"Sniff, sniffle, SNORT!" The pathetic puppy pouts in its cage. While I gag and blanch with watering eyes as I clean the piles of poo. Who owns who?
-----Attempt 2
Okay, Ah gotta all ya'll, this ain't my cuppa tea. Rereadin' what Ah've here written, well... see fer ya'll selves:

Alliteration: check
Dialect: yup
Onomatopeia: bingo!
Repetition: check
rhythm: badda bing, badda boom
Whadda think?

** In RL, I do have a southern accent! That made this a wee
** bit easier. However, I simply can't make myself write
** nonsense! It rubs me the wrong way when I have to read
** things that don't flow. This exercise was really hard
** for me. I like challenges. I'll be trying this one again.