I was clearing up some word documents and found my "Caesar's Song" from the History of Rome Satyre Play we did back in Floralia in Rome. For those who didn't "see" the performance, I thought it might merit a quiet chuckle - but you REALLY have to know the song "I am the Very Model of a Modern Major General" from Gilbert & Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance - if you don't, I suppose it makes no sense whatever! Er - not sure it does if you DO!



Caesar [sings]

I am the very model of a modern Major-General,
I've got ambition to the old Republic most inimical,
Tho' Cato yelled, my clients swelled, and I quote truth historical
I whupped them all, the big and small, in order categorical;
I'm very well acquainted with the Gauls (or what is left of 'em)
I piled up loot and cocked a snoot at Gallic arms and French mayhem;
About what Vercingetorix did, I'm teeming with a lot of news;
With many cheerful facts about the reasons why he had to lose!

CHORUS
With many cheerful facts about the reasons why he had to lose.
With many cheerful facts about the reasons why he had to lose.
With many cheerful facts about the the reasons why he had to lose.

CAESAR


I'm very good at charmingly arranging for dictatorship;
I bribe a few, and lo! the Senate runs away like water drips;
In short, in matters Roman, Sabine, Picentine or variable,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

CHORUS

In short, in matters Roman, Sabine, Picentine or variable
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

CAESAR
I know our mythic history, from silly men like Livius;
I plunder, pillage, smile a lot and make them money givee-us;
I quote in elegiacs and my Greek's as good as Sophocles,
And my best-sellers beat out Cato's easy as an airy breeze!

I can tell an imitation statue from a Praxitles,
I know the croaking chorus from the Frogs of Aristophanes!
My charm's so great, no matron can my sex appeal resistia,
But don't believe all that you hear 'bout Nicky in Bythinia!

CHORUS
But don't believe all that you hear 'bout Nicky in Bythinia
But don't believe all that you hear 'bout Nicky in Bythinia.
But don't believe all that you hear 'bout Nicky in Bythinia.

CAESAR
My press is bad, and Brutus has an Attitude most sinister;
But if he plots he'll find a lot of pain will be administered;
In short, I'll end up in the godly chorus most Olympial;
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

CHORUS
In short, he''ll end up in the godly chorus most Olympial,
He is the very model of a modern Major-General.

CAESAR
In fact, when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin",
When I can tell at sight my Cleopatra from a javelin,
When such a farce as Ides of March the seers worry and await,
I'll keep my cool; you'll see the fools will raise me to the greatest state!

[at top speed]

When I have beat the Gallic main resistance, then the Civil War,
When I've more cash than Midas' stash or any Roman's had before;
In short, I'll break the epic mold and make it so resemble me,
You'll say a better Major-General did ne'er a Roman be!


CHORUS
You'll say a better Major-General did ne'er a Roman be!
You'll say a better Major-General did ne'er a Roman be!
You'll say a better Major-General did ne'er a Roman be!

CAESAR
So Cicero, you old windbag, blow! You will not ever worry me,
Although my dreams suggest I ought to take a rest in Contiki;
And toward my dear Octavian I'm feeling very Uncial,
I am the very model of a modern Major-General.

CHORUS
And towards his dear Octavian he's feeling very Uncial;
He is the VERY MODEL OF A ROMAN MAJOR-GENERAL!