Lollia came to me this morning with news that would rouse me from my self imposed exile.
"He's back," she cried as she ran into my chambers. "Tiberius is back and SHE will not let him leave."
I looked at my sister, noting the change that had been wrought in her since my illness. She no longer danced seductivly with intrigue and watched the workings of that cursed family from afar.
"How do you know this?" I demanded from my couch.
She replied archly, "Fabius saw him at the Senate meeting today. He says he looks older and more bitter than ever. Not surprising really after what that woman did to his brother, her OTHER son."
An icy clutch gripped my heart at the mention of Drusus. I miss him still and wonder if I could have in any way ceased the infernal wheels that stole his life from him.
"Why is he here?" I asked.
"You will find out if you get off that dammned couch and attend a session," she replied dryly.
Maybe I should attend the next session. Maybe it is time for Sextus Crassus to return to that hall of dry old men and fools.

Two years have passed since I wrote in this journal. Two years of returning to health and fearlessness. I was poisoned. The mother of the nation is not blind to my thoughts and has swept me aside for two whole years. There are people whom listen at my very doors so i shall be brief. Drusus is dead, Lollia is in fear of her life and our beloved Emperor is blind to the tragedies that plague his family. Write no more for now Crassus, all shall be told in time.

I Publius Fabius, doctor and physician, hear by give Sextus Crassus leave from entering in his journal for one week. He needs to take rest and let his body expel the poisons within!

For the last few days I have lain ill in my bed in my home on the Esquiline. For two days my body was racked with pain and fever, and I have not been able to enter my journal! It came about after attending a dinner thrown by Lollia Polinna, maybe I should not have eaten the peacock tongue.
It has given me time to reflect on my ambitions, and wonder if our cause will ever come about. Augustus is as firmly enplaced as he will ever be, and my former comrades smell the stench of death on the Republic. Maybe I should abandon my aims and serve an Emperor? I do not know how to proceed for my heart wishes for liberty, but the tides are turned by this new era! I am weak and will leave my writings here, though I will return!

I am sure that the name of Cicero will go down in the annuls of history. Never have I seen an Orator such has he. Who could imagine that such a waif of a man could command such respect? His life was once in grave danger when the ferocious gang wars of Milo and Clodius ripped through our beloved city. He and his wife Tertia were assalied in their home as it was burned to the ground. Luckily they were able to flee with the aid of Pompeius. So it was not a huge shock when he and his wife left Rome with Pompeius to the safety of Greece. He staunchly believed in the glory that was the Republic, and opposed the dictatorship of Pompeius and Caesar fiercly. He believed that Julius would plunge Rome into conflict and would rule as a tyrant. When Pompeius was defeated at Pharsalus, Cicero switched his loyalty to Caesar and returned to Rome. Now, in the Empire Rome has become, Cicero is a man of enormous infuence, a man to be listened to. I have now been present at Cicero's last two speeches without being able to entice him to my home. We need men like him to restore the Republic and I must speak with him before the flame of liberty dwindles to a memory!

It would appear that my sister is more suited to a life of deviousness that I had first anticipated! Not only has she been attending the soires thrown by Livia, but she has also been sharing a bed with Pallas, Augustus' freedman and friend! I cannot say that I am altogether surprised at this, Lollia possesses a spirit for our cause such as I possess. She reports that the Imperial household is divided between, those loyal to Augustus, and those who belong to the secret network Livia has constructed. She tells me that Pallas believes that with the right amount of persuasion, Augustus will lay down his office and retire to the life of a private citizen again! Maybe we should not seek his death after all. My own workings are as of yet not proving fruitfull. The Senate appears to have lost its backbone completely, oh what I would give for a Cinna, or Pompey right now. With just a few of the old lions, the restoration of the Republic would be a certainty. They would not come as sheep, but as wolves! There is an old friend of Augustus called Fabius Maximus, who holds the Emperor's ear, and was a stauch supporter of the Republic in his day. He is giving a speech in the Forum tomorrow on the construction of a new district within the city. I feel I must be present for his speech, and invite him to dine. I believe the pleasures of myself, or my sister may tempt his loyalty to our cause.

My pleas have fallen on deaf ears! The senate are to afraid to join in unity and restore the Republic. How it sickened me to see the way they are cowed by the Emperor and his Praetorians. I have no doubt in my mind that Augustus is a good man, but I find myself doubting his ability to rule. We sat in session today and praised his actions in sending forces to the Rhine. Drusus and Tiberius are at the head of the legions, and I find myself missing the company of Drusus.
They will return as conquering heroes and Augustus position will be elevated further. My heart feels heavy as I watch the Republic slipping further away from our grasp. It is becoming but a whisper that will be lost on the winds if we do not act soon. I refuse to be reduced to whispering in corners like an old woman, Maybe the death of Augustus will restore liberty to our nation. Lollia will be attending a dinner thrown by Livia and julia tonight, I hope she has more luck than I.

Drusus left my bed chamber as the dawn touched the sky with her rose coloured fingers. The night had been long, and not without passion. We had talked until the sky became light and i now feel as if i can make a renewed effort to revive the republic. He told me of the petty intrigues and squabbles that occur within the Imperial household. Relations between Livia and Tiberius are starting to sour. Augustus tires of his position and wishes to abdicate. Julia, Augustus' daughter despises her step'mother and does all she can to assure the succession of her sons, Gaius, and Lucius.
I believe that with a little covert work we can bring the monarchy down. Drusus has pledged his aid to our cause and will work from within the heart of the palace. He told me of the demands of his wife and wishes to visit by bed often. This will be a conspiricey built on blood and sex. Lollia will continue to attend the parties given by Livia and will keep herself from the Empress' watchful eye. I however, will visit the Senate today and begin my quiet campaign.

The noble Drusus agreed to join my sister and I to dine. It made for an interesting evening. The evening started well enough, with food and dancers and wine. He seemed distracted throughout the entertainment and I asked him why. He turned to me with a wan expression and replied.
"As much as I have enjoyed the company of you and your sister tonight, I fear that I know your reasons for bringing me here." He turned and looked at Lollia as she reclined on a gilded couch, and said.
"Your questions at the gatherings of my Mother have not gone unnoticed Lady. You need to be more careful or suffer her wrath."
Lollia was indifferent but I gazed at him shrewdly, noting his handsome face. After waving away my slaves I leaned closer to him so that our arms met, and I could smell his wine, laden breath.
"Do our aims converge?" I whispered softly so that prying ears may not hear.
"They do, though it is a dangerous game we play," he whispered back. It was in that moment that I could see the inner turmoil within his dark, grey eyes. It was a struggle between his loyalty to his Emperor, and his desire for the restoration of the Republic. I took his hand in mine and pulled him closer as Lollia spoke.
"Is it a fear that Augustus cannot be persuaded to resign from the monarchy, or is it your Mother that you fear?" She asked bluntly. Drusus looked at her for a long while before replying.
"Augustus is a good, and great man. He secretly desires to retire to private life but it is the workings of my mother that keep him there. As long as he remains Emperor she can keep her grasp upon the empire. With no Emperor there will be no need for her. She is building a dynasty that my brother will rule when Augustus is gone. And yes Lady you are correct, I fear the workings of my mother. It is said that she once was bitten by a snake, and it died from the bite," he said sadly.
"Cannot you pursuade Augustus to retire?" I asked softly. His beautiful face darkened as he replied.
"All those who try end up floating face down in the Tiber. I have no wish to join them, I have a wife and family that needs me."
"Then we find ourselves in a difficult position then, don't we?" I replied. I turned to Lollia and bade her to leave. As she left I pulled Drusus closer to me again. His eyes met mine and I saw the sadness that plagued him.
"Your sister needs to be careful with her questioning, she has not evaded my Mother's eye," he said.
"I will warn her," I replied. "It is well known amongst the nobility that your mother favours Tiberius over you. Do you not fear her actions when you are no longer needed? There is only so much time you can spend subduing the Germanic tribes before you are recalled to Rome on one pretext or the other." He looked at me shrewdlt before he answered.
"As long as Augustus lives I am safe."
"Then pray that Augustus lives a long and happy life my friend. If you were to be desposed, then I do not belive that Antonia and your children would be spared." He did not respond, he merely ran a calloused hand over my arm.
"Let us not think of Antonia whilst we are here alone together," he whispered. "Let whisper our secrets to the dark where none may hear."
He moved his face close to mine and laid a gentle kiss upon my lips.
"The Republic makes for strange bedfellows," he said as he pulled me close and kissed me again.

The Emperor is away at Lesbos, seeing his old friend Agrippa who is prefect there. In his absence the Republicanists have taken to the streets, and Livia was forced to turn the guards out onto the street. My heart lightened to see the sight of so many comrades still fired with the heat of the Republic.
The following morning, I entered the Senate to participate with the day's proceedings. Livia's son, Drusus was in attendance and the debate was if a triumph was to be awarded to his brother Tiberius for his efforts in Germania. It has long been know of Drusus' feelings for the republic so i find myself wondering if it is worthwhile coveting his friendship. My sister Lollia has warned me against any open movement. She warned of the retribution that may follow, she used Marius as an example. I feel that I may invite the noble Drusus to dine, he is more amiable than his brother and may be a useful ally.