Holiday Eating Tips

1. Avoid carrot sticks.

Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table
knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.
In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately.

Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly.

Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact,
it's even rarer than single-malt scotch.
You can't find it any other time of year but now.
So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories
in every sip?
It's not as if you're going to turn into an
eggnog-aholic or something.

It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two.
It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it.

That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not
stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed
potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're
made with skim milk or whole milk.

If It's skim, pass. Why bother?
It's like buying a sports car with an automatic
transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an
effort to control your eating.

The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to
eat other people's
food for free.

Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise
between now and New Year's.

You can do that in January when you have nothing
else to do.
This is the time for long naps, which you'll need
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge.

Have as many as you can before becoming the center
of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave
them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat.

Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.

Always have three.

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory
celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.

I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip:
If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table,
you haven't been paying attention.

Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by:

"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave
with the intention of arriving safely
in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in
sideways,
chocolate in one hand, martini in the other,
body thoroughly used up,
totally worn out and screaming
"WOO HOO what a ride!"


Have an amazing day!

When you feel that nobody loves you,

Nobody cares for you,

And everyone is ignoring you,

You should start asking yourself...

Am I TOO sexy?