I NEVER want to see another Eternal City again. What a DUMP!!

But I suppose I had better start from the beginning.

I, My dear chum, Kinswoman and long suffering accomplice, Gherwina and Lord Thiu (*sigh* what a man - as a self-confessed SNAG (Sensitive New Age Goth) he can certainly roast up a nice bit of crackling) pootled off to Rome after a light breakfast of roast boar, ox, a few flagons of mead and some root vegetables, to see if we could find those bloody (I speak figuratively)SPQR scrolls.

"SPQR scrolls?" Commented Gherwina, "sounds like a hens' sqwark!"

I know they say all roads lead to Rome - SURE they do. Eventually.

I must say, Lord Thiu was graciousness himself. He even let us hang on to his stirrups as he rode his stallion along the boggiest bits of the tracks and we panted alongside. You don't get that kind of treatment from any old goth! And of course, it meant that there was no need to worry too much about any lurking tribesmen who might be intent on rape and pillage. We ASSURED Lord Thiu that he was quite safe with us.

After all, I had Daddy's sword with us, clanking around my hips as I ran. At one point, Lord Thiu looked down and smiled warmly at me. "Say, wench," he commented, "That's a fine weapon clanking around your ample hips."

"Ta" I panted, having little breath for aught else.

"May I ask what name it bears?"

Lord Thiu considerately slowed his horse to a walk so that Gherwina and I could catch our breath.

"Well, Lord" I said, "My Father called it - "You Roman Bastards, get a load of this up yer essentials"".

"A fine name" approved Lord Thiu.

"Well, yes" I admitted, "But I find it a bit of a mouthful. So, I've changed it."

He raised a superbly shaped eyebrow. "Really? And what is this noble weapons' name now?"

"Daisy" I responded.

It was my Kinsman Lord Thiu who told me about SPQR. "Er....what is it, Lord?", I asked in some bewilderment. "Some ghastly, disfiguring, leprous disease?"

"Foolish wench" he snapped, his noble, broad and intelligent brow (hee hee) creased in exasperation (his normal expression, I wot), "'Tis that which those poncy (he spat SO elegantly) Romans speak. It means "Senatus Populusque Romanus" or something like that."

"Oh" I responded overwhelmed by his linguistic genius. "Great. Um....So what?*

He hit me over the head affectionately with his war hammer. "Get you hence with that other distant kinswench of yours, Gherwina. She, You and I must discover the whereabouts of divers secret scrolls that are scattered lavishly around various parts of that accursed Romish City and thereby learn the secrets of those toga wearing fops which we may use to our advantage one not so distant day. Mwahahahaha"

"Divers?" I wondered. "They're in a lake?"

He landed me another lively wallop. *sigh* That kinsman of mine REALLY cares! :)

"Get to it, wench! I, too shall seek them and of course, with my superior intellect and unerring sense of tactics unmatched by even Arminius himself, I shall doubtless discover them easily. But you MAY be of some little help. We shall see".