Advice from Cap'n Slappy:

Dear Cap'n Slappy,

Is sex really that great?

- A goddess among wenches

Ahoy Me goddess!

This is one of those "Depends" answers. And when I say "Depends," I am not talking about the disposable undergarments designed absorb human waste material for unfortunate people who have lost control of their bowels. When I say "Depends," it means that under some conditions, sex IS really that great. But these conditions seem to differ between the genders.

Let me make some broad generalizations that I will state as scientific fact.

According to a scientific study ...

Women prefer sex when it is the expression of deep-felt affection between two people who have made a commitment to love each other.

Men like to have sex anytime, anywhere with anything.

Women view sex as a deep and sacred connection between themselves and their lover.

Nine out of ten men can't remember the woman's name WHILE they are having sex with them. Seven out of ten never even knew her name.

Women have some very specific ideals for the men they choose to take as lovers.

Men will have sex with a goat or a beach ball if they can't find a woman.

Many women hope that sex will be an avenue for deepening the long-term commitment between them and their lover.

Men like to have sex. Now, please.

Women like the first time they have sex with a man to be something special. They like flowers and candles and music that will lock the moment in their memory forever.

Men like the first time they have sex with a woman to be the first of many. If not with this person, then with someone who has the same type of equipment. If not, a goat will do.

So you see, me goddess, Science can tell us much about sex, but only you can decide if it is, in fact, "great."

- Cap'n Slappy